Do I Really Have Anything to Say?

Before that last post, I had not written in a while. Scratch that – I’d not published anything I’d written in a while. I had tried and edited and only gotten to the point where I just didn’t think it was worth a damn so it was cancel, delete…or go get some snacks. As I pondered why this might be, I could only picture in my mind’s eye the struggling writer, sitting by the light of a single lamp, blankets piled on for warmth in a sparse room while he struggles to make his works known to the world. Except that’s not me.

I have a nice house, a good job, and a new, really comfy couch that sucks me in and I don’t want to let go. When I started this blog, my life was in a period of upheaval, with a move to a new city, a new job, a new house, new schools for the kids, and lots to learn and absorb. I’ve since settled in at work, finished the house construction, the kids have actually been at the same school for two whole years, and we’ve furnished all but one room. I’ve settled the chaos, gained a lot of peace from that, and I just don’t have enough on my mind to prompt the introspection and thought that was so prevalent not so long ago.

I know: first world problems, right? I think it comes down to this question: Am I challenging myself enough? Am I making myself stretch enough? What’s the shakeup I need? What new initiative?

And then it hit me: I’m at my best when I’m at my most disruptive. I’m successful and respected at work because I have no filter, I speak my mind, and I question everything: authority, old ways, process, standards – you name it. But was all of that stale? When was the last time I actually had an “it” I could point to at the end of a work day?

Well, I’ve found it. Ive taken a new job. It’s where I need to build something almost from scratch. It is what I will take on as my next challenge. I’ll be the new guy with the crazy ideas again, not the respected guy everyone comes to for The Way It Should Be Done. And I like that. The moment any group starts looking to one guy for The Way, it has ceased being organic, ceased growing in an organic way. I like organic. I like a bit of chaos that needs to be settled, calmed, and put right.

But there’s a fine line between containing chaos and becoming routine. When things become routine, everyone loses. I hope I can be that change agent, stay disruptive, and keep things interesting. Otherwise, I guess I’ll have to change jobs again.

Tags: chaos, disruptive, fulfillment, new job